Friday, March 14, 2008

Letting Go

Why is it that I, we, continually refuse to trust our own instincts? At what point did we lose confidence in our own judgement? Why is it that we need the opinion, agreement, and ultimately the stamp of approval from everyone from family members to co-workers to strangers paid to push a product? I wanna know when, and most importantly, I wanna know WHY?!

I have a continuous dream. I awaken with such clear memory that I spend more time sharing the detail than My Beloved can afford- cutting into his time polishing for his own “testing” at the office.

The latest was yet, another continuum. I am in a place where I am being tested. The instruction from the leader is that I will be allowed into the next level only after I have passed this particular level. He leads me to a door, guides me just inside, and leaves me to face numerous doors. They each bear labels (messages?) I do not understand. I look back to ask about what class I am to look for, but realize I am alone. I remember that this is a test. I’ve always done well in school, so this should be a snap. I even get to choose my subject. Let’s see now, which to choose. The labels read unusual categories such as era, dance, voice, trust, faith, legacy, etc. I choose the most intriguing that simply says “letting go”. When I go inside, I see people lined up at a huge diving board waiting their turn to reach the very top, just to fall face first into the waters below. I think to myself that this exercise is way too scary for me, so I sit and watch for awhile. Anxious to find a subject that pertains to me so that I may move to the next level, I find my way to the door looking for the leader to ask where I am suppose to go to begin my test. When I reach the hallway, the only thing I find is that now all the labels have changed into different subjects. I continually poke my head into each room to get a quick preview, only to find that the members are already half-way finished or that the subjects don’t relate to me. (i.e. dance class of older women looking silly in their tight tutus learning late in life to be ballerinas .) All the while, I am looking for this leader to tell him my discovery, and demand some guidance with no uncertain tone. I need to know just what direction I am suppose to head to find the testing that is meant for me. In frustration, I go into rooms and participate, but find myself starting late and rushing to catch up, or starting in the group as the lone opinion in the process for the end product. I go along with the majority and change my opinions on the assignment purely to obtain approval so that I finally get to graduate to the next level. When I return to the hallway, I find that, once again, all the labels have changed. I must start again. Oh........ I think I get it! I awaken. OK! OK! I get it! But the dream continues.......

Blog reads for the day -
Suzi's whimsical life as an artist bravely marching to her own drum without noticing other opinions.
Ann, a young mother's candid journal of drowning in the daily attempts of self-perfection. She just doesn't realize that she already IS!

1 comment:

  1. I LOVE this post!I love the "why"'s and the fact that you share these feelings/thoughts - allowing yourself to be vulnerable..and us (readers) to be so blessed and have OUR similar experiences normalized!!!!